Bartlett's Bizarre Bazaar

The work of a CIA agent is both rewarding and varied. When not kidnapping people from the streets of friendly nations, you might be flying by private jet to deliver captives to torturers trained under Ceausescu. On occasion, you will be called on to perform forcible interrogations in person, slotting into the grand tradition of the School of the Americas. If you are of a creative bent, and if this bent is not of the twisted, warped kind that allows you to think outside the cell when extinguishing cigarettes on detainee’s skin, there are opportunities for imaginative writing. Whether fabricating first person accounts of the lives of glorious American soldiers, or producing utopian reports of life in post-invasion Iraq, the CIA will ensure that your writing receives the widest possible audience. We have a long association with various magazines, including Reader’s Digest, and the recent upsurge in our fortune have led to productive partnership with newspapers across Free Iraq. If your duplicitous imagination runs to the more artistic, and you are not interested in the cinematic expression of American heroism, there are opportunities for you to emulate the Great War Poets, though conscience and sacrifice are not required. Nor is talent, as the example below, inserted into school textbooks in Pakistan, demonstrates:

Patient and steady with all he must bear,
Ready to meet every challenge with care,
Easy in manner, yet solid as steel,
Strong in his faith, refreshingly real.
Isn't afraid to propose what is bold,
Doesn't conform to the usual mould,
Eyes that have foresight, for hindsight won't do,
Never backs down when he sees what is true,
Tells it all straight, and means it all too.

Going forward and knowing he's right,
Even when doubted for why he would fight,
Over and over he makes his case clear,
Reaching to touch the ones who won't hear.
Growing in strength he won't be unnerved,
Ever assuring he'll stand by his word.

Wanting the world to join his firm stand,

Bracing for war, but praying for peace,
Using his power so evil will cease,
So much a leader and worthy of trust,
Here stands a man who will do what he must.


[A thank you to Arran for pointing this out]